The Star Wars Prequels: Could They Have Been Better?

When I watch “The Phantom Menace” in my home, I usually can't even manage to stay awake past the Podrace sequence. The bright colors and loud, obnoxious announcer should be more than enough to keep a trucker awake for a solid thirty-six hour drive days after he has finished watching it, yet myself, and several other Star Wars fans feel that one word sums up the entire sequence: Dull. Yet, when I watch “Star Wars: The Clone Wars” On Cartoon Network, I am engrossed. More so than when I watch anything else on TV. And, even though they have their own dull, cardboard acting moments, “Attack of the Clones” and “Revenge of the Sith” usually keep me entertained. They have essentially the same cast and follow a standard saga, so I am obliged to ask: What went wrong? And, could it have been fixed? Is there anyway that the Star Wars Prequels could have been saved, or were they doomed to fail? Thankfully, I have friends I can discuss these things with. I'm not really a sports guy, and a handful of us at work don't have fantasy teams so we have our own sci-fi/comic book discussions in our little nerd corner. In the past ten years since “The Phantom Menace” came out, I often consider what I would have done differently if I were George Lucas. Now, I wish to put them in writing. The Phantom Menace: Naturally, we start where the primary problem is. Episode I was the beginning of the end, and I honestly believe some major changes in the first place would make the entire prequel trilogy not only bearable, but even awesome. I mean, even if II and III were essentially left the same as they are, they would be good. Yes, Hayden Christenson is made of wood and Natalie Portman was drawn out and extremely shallow as Padme, but was Mark Hamill Academy Award winning in 1977? No, so we can live with poor acting.   Let's handle the big, festering, blister of the prequels: Jar Jar Binks. Everyone's favorite retarded fish-platypus. He is the one character in the prequels that literally brings absolutely nothing to the table as far as entertainment goes. His voice is aggravating/racist and mannerisms make my stomach turn. So, how do we fix, not only Mr. Binks, but the entire Gungan race? Any who have played “The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time” will understand the concept of a cool amphibious culture. The Zoras not only look cool, they are excellent fighters. So, we can keep the Gungans as a plot point and therefore allow the Trade Federation/Gungan battle at the end.   First, the Gungan's appearance. Again, I invite you to think of the Zoras. If the Gungans were modeled after something besides a plucked goose with shaved cocker spaniel ears, they would not be associated with clumsiness. Let's think of, say, Kit Fisto. He is obviously amphibious and is cool. If the Gungans had the appearance similar to Jedi Master Fisto, they would not only be tolerable, but cool. Next, their god-awful voice and speech patterns. If they did not speak with their broken jibberish, but spoke with a dignified accent for their English, think of how much better their scenes would play out. But, since they sound like a four year old got their tongue wrapped in a ceiling fan motor, we cannot sympathize with them, we find ourselves praying for their death. So, let's insert this new twist into the storyline of “The Phantom Menace”: Qui-Gon Jinn runs through the jungles of Naboo, being attacked by STAPs and droids. Suddnely, Obi-Wan Kenobi arrives and rescues Qui-Gon. Just as they get surrounded by more STAPs and droids, the army gets taken out by energy balls and spears, as Gungan warriors, with... Hmmm... You know, Jar Jar Binks is not really a dignified name for a leader of amphibious guerilla warriors. How about, “Kraw Manta”? If you don't like that one, just insert a name of your choosing when I use it.   So, as Gungan warriors with their leader, general Kraw Manta come out of the shadows of the jungle, they suspiciously surround the Jedi. After taking the Jedi to their leader (Someone with a better name then “Boss Nass”), Kraw agrees to accompany them on a journey through the planet's core (with only one fish attack in my version). After assisting in rescuing the Naboo leaders, Kraw Manta gets stuck with them on the trip to Tatooine. He would be a tough, rugged warrior, with an animosity towards outsiders. Over the course of the film, he would eventually grow fond of his companions.   Already sounding better? Hope so. Here's another change I would like: The opening crawl would now say that representative Padme Amidala would already be on Naboo, attempting to handle the crisis. When that got to be too much, she requested Jedi ambassadors. Why Representative Amidala? Because Padme as a queen was completely useless. Think about it, in “Attack of the Clones” she is a senator. If she is removed as Queen and someone else takes the role of ruler the trilogy plays out exactly the same. So, we have Representative Amidala, who serves along with Senator Palpatine in the Galactic Senate.   So, she requests the assistance of the Jedi and they send Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi- Two Jedi who are old friends and have been partnered on many missions. See, in this version, Obi-Wan is a veteran Jedi Knight, not Jinn's padawan. There was no reason to show Obi-Wan's master, especially since he named Yoda as his master in “The Empire Strikes Back”. Maybe give Obi-Wan a goatee or something to show he is a little older than before. Another problem that I feel should be handled right off, Nute Gunray should not be a laughable, bumbling leader as he is shown. He realistically should be a charismatic, ballsy rebel leader. After all, his actions in “The Phantom Menace” basically are an act of terrorism. People don't rally to the cause of someone who almost craps there pants once Jedi board his ship. Like the Gungans, his change would be best shown by altering their appearance. No more pseudo-Asian accent with a mouth that doesn't line up with what's said. And he reports, not to Darth Sidious, but Darth Maul. This essentially puts Darth Maul in a more active role with more speaking lines. The Separatists in my version of the prequels never meet Darth Sidious. He is only hinted at until the end of “The Phantom Menace” when Darth Maul, who survives by the skin of his teeth after a lengthy battle with the Jedi, contacts him to say that everything is going according to plan. We continue, the Jedi and Gungan general Kraw Manta arrive at Theed, and rescue the Queen, representative Amidala, and the others. Included in this group would be a gold plated C-3P0. I don't see what value having Anakin build Threepio brings to the series except for shock value. It's a more dignified position to have Threepio be with upper class citizens from the start. R2-D2 would still be introduced the same way. And they meet when Threepio is instructed to clean the astromech droid. So we get to Tattooine, where the actual movie essentially went down hill. Here we meet Anakin Skywalker- and eighteen year old slave forced to work at Watto's shop since his childhood. He is a nice child with a dark side (Wink), bitter about his life as a slave. As Qui-Gon, Kraw, and Artoo negotiate with Watto about parts for the ship. We witness the awkward, argumentative beginning to Padme and Anakin's relationship. We know there's romantic tension there, its just shown the same way Han and Leia's was in “the Empire Strikes Back”, which is much better than Padme and Anakin's actual conversations in any prequel movie. As the party leaves Watto's shop, dejected over not being given the parts, Anakin stops them and tells them he may be able to help. He brings them back to his home, where we meet his mother. There, he tells of his skill at.... T16 sky-hopper racing! There's a race at Beggar's Canyon the next day and he is willing to assist in getting their parts in a bet with Watto. They agree. The race sequence is shown with less publicity and no announcers. It would be more like an underground street race with just betters and sponsors present. The race is about nine hours shorter, but the competition between Sebulba and Anakin would still be seen. Another major change: No midichlorians. Joke. I mean, Qui-Gon should just be able to sense the power within Anakin, there should not be a blood test requirement. Without midichlorians we now need an explanation for Anakin's father. Here's one that doesn't even need elaboration: Anakin's mother has been a slave. What happens to female slaves in third world countries? It's a sad fact but its true. Anakin simply never met his father, who is probably a freighter pilot somewhere in the Outer Rim who just went to a cantina and had some “fun” with Shmi. With that, I also motion for the elimination of the “Chosen One” story arc. Let's face it, Anakin as the Chosen One was barely even acknowledged again until “Revenge of the Sith”. So it's a useless plot point. He's a Force sensitive person with excellent precognition. Qui-Gon would still push for his training without the idea of the Chosen One. Frankly, the whole concept is bland and cliché anyway. Why even use it? Anakin wins and Qui-Gon surprises him by reworking the bet for his freedom. And the word “yipee” is never, ever uttered in the Star Wars Universe. Ever. On the way to the ship, Qui-Gon and Anakin are attacked by Darth Maul, whose face is covered during the attack. Instead of running into the ship like a pansy, Anakin attempts to help Qui-Gon and is Force pushed to the floor by Maul. They escape in much the same manner as the actual move. The Coruscant scenes are basically unchanged. Palpatine works things well to remove Valorum from office and take his place as Chancellor. The Jedi Council decides Anakin will not be trained. And they all return to Naboo to attempt to thwart the droid invasion, with Kraw agreeing to talk with the Gungans to fight alongside the Naboo people. The attack is successful, with Representative Amidala leading the attack against the palace. The Jedi fight Darth Maul, with more discussions in the style of the old trilogy during the fight. Anakin sees the soldiers pinned down and takes an unmanned fighter with Artoo and flies into battle. He destroys the cruiser (On purpose). The movie ends essentially the same way: Palpatine is named Chancellor, Padme becomes Senator of Naboo, Kraw agrees reluctantly to being Represnetative of not just the Gungans, but all of Naboo, Anakin becomes Obi-Wan's apprentice, and Nute Gunray is arrested. Major difference: Darth Maul survives and escapes the planet, reporting to Sidious as stated before. There, the prequels are already looking up. With “The Phantom Menace” altered, its almost like a bone has been set and the wound can start to heal. Let's keep going, shall we? Attack of the Clones: Okay, that's a retarded name. I would change it, since it makes the Clones sound evil. Something like “Clone Wars Rising” or something. Anyway, We're well set up since the end of “The Phantom Menace”, it's not a ten year difference, though. It's now just four years. Anakin is now twenty-two and a well established apprentice (I personally don't see the need for the word Padawan. I think Apprentice covers all the bases). Senator Padme lands and an attack on her life is made. She survives, with help from Kraw who is not only Representaive, but Padme's chief of security (Sorry Captain Typho). Obi-Wan and Anakin are assigned to Padme for guard duty. Again, Padme and Anakin start a Han/Leia style bickering relationship. Nevertheless, Obi-Wan warns Anakin of attachment. In my version, Zam Wessel would not exist. Jango would be the one attacking Padme directly. A chase ensues, with Jango being tracked to the same bar. He escapes when he paralyzes Obi-Wan with a dart, forcing Anakin to help him.   Now, using the dart, Obi-Wan uses his seedy underworld contact Dex to learn of Kamino. In this version, Dex is a spice dealer in the underbelly of Coruscant, not a cheesy CG owner of a diner. He travels to Kamino and has basically the same experiences. Anakin now travels with Padme, Threepio, and Artoo to Naboo. There, the Senator and Jedi discover their true feelings for each other and share in a kiss. Padme, though holds her feelings back. An important change, Count Dooku no longer exists. The role of Sith Lord goes to Darth Maul. He is leading the Separatists alongside Valorum, the ousted Chancellor from “The Phantom Menace”. In the time between “Menace” and “Clones”, they have worked together to rally many people to the Confederacy and freed Nute Gunray for use of his droid armies. The advantage of doing this would be that we would not need to get used to a new set of characters every movie, but instead have a standard group of heroes and villains like the original trilogy. Anakin dreams of his mother's death and travels to Tatooine. The same things happen, including Anakin's slaughter of the Sand People. But, he does not have a teenage drama attack when he tells Padme. Instead, he has a fit of rage describing it. The room shakes violently with the powers emanating from the Force until Padme's touch calms it. I know that Jar Jar was the one responsible for the Emergency Powers for Palpatine. There is a way to fix that. Kraw, as a warrior, would realize the importance of meeting the Separatists in battle with a complete army. So, he votes to give Palpatine the ability to mobilize the army. So, Obi-Wan follows Jango and Boba Fett to Geonosis where he is captured by the Separatists. He is forced to confront Darth Maul, quite awkward seeing how Maul killed Qui-Gon. Maul confesses his allegiance to Darth Sidious to Obi-Wan and states that the Sith have already gained control of the Senate. After following the plot of the actual movie, Anakin and Obi-Wan face off against Darth Maul. Anakin loses his arm before Yoda arrives and fights Maul. Maul escapes and meets up with Sidious (The first time we see him in person in my version of the prequels). Anakin and Padme wed, the Clones ship off to battle, and the movie ends. Revenge of the Sith: Let's end this. The movie opens the same, and Anakin kills Darth Maul after Palpatine persuades him. I originally had planned on eliminating Grievous from the storyline, until I saw him in “Star Wars: The Clone Wars”. He is cool, and worthwhile. He just needs more screen time. On Utupau, Obi-Wan and Grievous' fight would have been longer, with more lightsaber fighting.   One problem I have- Wookies need to do more than howl. I want to see them tear droids apart, and crush things with their bare hands. The Kashyyyk scene would have been so cool had the wookiees been given justice. Another- When the Clones turn on the Jedi, there should be more of a fight. Instead of cutting to scenes of Jedi getting slaughtered, they should cut to scenes of Jedi fighting back valiantly before falling. Along those same lines, Mace Windu's force going to arrest Palpatine should have lasted slightly longer. Give Palpatine two lightsabers and have him square off against four Jedi. Yeah, Windu should be the last one, but the others were veterans, it makes no sense for them to go down so quickly. When Senator Organa leaves the planet, Kraw Manta leaves with him. Now, Kraw has been a cool warrior character, not an annoyance like Jar Jar was. So he deserves some closure. So, I'm adding a scene to the movie. As Yoda escapes the grasp of Palpatine, he gets cornered by Troopers. Just when it seems to be over, Kraw hits the troopers with a blaster bolt. As he allows Yoda to escape with Organa, he loses his life bravely. The move ends the same. I had no issues with the ending. I mean, you could grasp at straws and say “But, Leia said in 'Jedi' that she remembered her mother! Foul!” Get over it. It makes no sense for Padme to live. You can't hide a Senator properly. I would, however, change Anakin's reaction when his finds out of Padme's death. The “Nooooooooooo!” should be angry, not pitiful. So, there you have it. My prequel changes. One overall change- Easy on the special effects, Lucas. A good example of a sci-fi movie with good effects and good character development: “Serenity”. The characters are great and while there are effects, they do not have six establishing shots for one location or overpowering CG characters. George Lucas could take some lessons from Joss Whedon. Or Spielberg. Or Peter Jackson. You know what, he's really not that great of a film maker. At least not since “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade”.   That's a tale for another day- Things I would Change about “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull”.